I have been feeling very lonely of late. My ill fated marriage seems to have robbed me of everything in life. My family, my confidence, my happiness and hope. I feel cursed. It might sound a little extreme for me to say this but I do feel very cursed that I was born an Indian girl. My court battles provide me little respite. I have no hope that I might recover my material belongings so any hope of rehabilitation of my lost life is impossible. I do not know why my family/society/courts cannot seem to understand that abuse does not get better with time, that I cannot "adjust" any longer, that this is not "some obstacle to be overcome", that this is not "challenge to be won" by the brave. Why should I try hard and harder to make the marriage work when all I wish in my heart is for freedom from this bondage. Am I a lesser woman just because my husband abused me and then abandoned me? Is it my fault that courts take years and years to pass judgement and when they do it is rarely in the favour of the truth but more in favor of evidence? Yes, I have very little evidence to prove that my husband killed me alive every single day but does that mean I did not die everyday? Does that reduce the amount of pain I have suffered and continue to suffer? Does that justify the fact that he was wrong? Why do I have to suffer in a court of justice when clearly everyone knows that I was wronged? Why cant my family just accept the bitter fact that this marriage is not for keeps and let me move on? Why do they think that their social acceptance is more important than the life of their daughter? Why cant they understand my perspective and me their's? How has it become possible that my abusive husband even now controls the relationship I have with my family? When he has already abandoned me and refuses to take me back, why does the society still expect that I will live my life praying that he will take me back. Why doesnt my family allow me to cut my losses and move on?
Loneliness engulfs me. I am nothing but a pawn in their games. I dont live but merely exist.
Loneliness engulfs me. I am nothing but a pawn in their games. I dont live but merely exist.
Hang in there and keep fighting. Do not believe the ones who tell u that things could have gotten 'better'. You have taken charge of your life and that is commendable. You are strong. And you can do this. Do not give in to moments of pain and doubt.
ReplyDeleteLove,
A friend
Thanks Sanchari :) I am slowly asserting myself and getting there, although it gets very difficult but hanging in there.
DeleteI dont know what to tell you. I just know that you're going the right way.
ReplyDeleteThanks Nidaa. In these confused times, reassurance helps big time..
ReplyDeletePlease hang in there .. Do not give up.. What you are doing is right.. Claim your life back ...
ReplyDeleteThankyou SG :)
DeleteGood for you for refusing to 'adjust' any longer. You're a brave woman and you have the support of other women like you. Divorce is tough, specially without the emotional support that one expects from family. All I can say is - 'Tough times don't last, tough people do.' Keep writing. Hugs
ReplyDeleteWill make that the wallpaper of my phone :)
DeleteJust entered your page.So cant really say much.
ReplyDeleteRead about you at IHMs blog.
If your own lawyer is giving you pain, get another.
Moreover laws are in favour of Women though the enforcement brigade i.e. Police, Lawyers, Judge etc can make you feel otherwise.
Take care & Take whatever is yours.
Thankyou so much Makk :)
DeleteDanita, thank you for the comment that you left for me (at the change blog) in the comments field. I'm "Eve". I'm sorry that your family doesn't seem to understand you. I hope that they at least try to understand your situation...
ReplyDeleteScrew social acceptance. If that's more important for your family than your mental well-being, then you probably need a break from them. You must allow yourself to move on. Perhaps it would be a good idea to move away - to another part of India (or leave India?). Start over.