Loneliness

I have been feeling very lonely of late. My ill fated marriage seems to have robbed me of everything in life. My family, my confidence, my happiness and hope. I feel cursed. It might sound a little extreme for me to say this but I do feel very cursed that I was born an Indian girl. My court battles provide me little respite. I have no hope that I might recover my material belongings so any hope of rehabilitation of my lost life is impossible. I do not know why my family/society/courts cannot seem to understand that abuse does not get better with time, that I cannot "adjust" any longer, that this is not "some obstacle to be overcome", that this is not "challenge to be won" by the brave. Why should I try hard and harder to make the marriage work when all I wish in my heart is for freedom from this bondage. Am I a lesser woman just because my husband abused me and then abandoned me? Is it my fault that courts take years and years to pass judgement and when they do it is rarely in the favour of the truth but more in favor of evidence? Yes, I have very little evidence to prove that my husband killed me alive every single day but does that mean I did not die everyday? Does that reduce the amount of pain I have suffered and continue to suffer? Does that justify the fact that he was wrong? Why do I have to suffer in a court of justice when clearly everyone knows that I was wronged? Why cant my family just accept the bitter fact that this marriage is not for keeps and let me move on? Why do they think that their social acceptance is more important than the life of their daughter? Why cant they understand my perspective and me their's? How has it become possible that my abusive husband even now controls the relationship I have with my family? When he has already abandoned me and refuses to take me back, why does the society still expect that I will live my life praying that he will take me back. Why doesnt my family allow me to cut my losses and move on?
Loneliness engulfs me. I am nothing but a pawn in their games. I dont live but merely exist.

Poem of Abuse

Of use and abuse,
Of pain and hope,
My marriage is a story 
Of things gone awry.
Dreamy eyed yet practical,
Our match was quite a mismatch 
Tough i thought but impossible it turned.
Vows were broken, dreams were shattered
I cringed, I cried.
He vowed to protect me, cherish me, honor me,
Yet all he did was use me, abuse me and cripple me 
Like shards of glasses lying on the floor,
My hope was lying too. Curdled n sour. 
Little had I realized that my dearest dream, 
The most dreaded nightmare it had turned.
I was empty, I was hollow,
Yet only thing that sunk in was sorrow.
There were no hands to wipe my tears, 
There was no shoulder where my worries could rest,
A bolder person, a determined person was all that was left.
With courage I move on,
With conviction I move on,
I may have lost the battle,
But victory I shall regain.