Gratitude 365 : Day2 : Courage and Reselience

Ok, I am not the boldest person on earth, in fact I am closer to be the most scared person than bold yet I am grateful for the courage that I have been blessed with. When my friend told me today on how she appreciates the fact that in-spite of all the not so pleasant things in my life, I have boldly moved forward without letting my falling personal life affect the other aspects of my life, it was quite a revelation. Come to think of it, I have handled them all courageously :) I have continued with my job (even during the 1 year of therapy), kept in touch with friends, had a normal social life, learnt new things. And I always taught courage was about not getting scared of cockroaches and cats and dogs, of bungee jumping and stuff. Well I might not be able to do any of it, at least not yet but I have been able to face the toughest adversity of my life boldly and cheerfully. So here I am today thanking God and everyone who's been a part of life for making me realize what a huge gift I have - The gift of courage and resilience. Life may not always be smooth sailing but with courage I can definitely sail ashore.
So life, bring it on!!!

Gratitude 365 : Day1 : Patience

I am starting a new everyday ritual from today. I am going to focus on one gift that I am grateful for every single day and write about it here and I invite you to write the same. They say writing reinforces the belief so go ahead and let the world know of the wonderful gifts that you have received!!

I am grateful for the patience that God has given me. I have been through some really bad and very bad times in the past, yet I have found the patience to hold on. Every single day, I tell myself I only I can get through this day today, there will be a new tomorrow waiting for me. It is not easy, there are times when I feel like giving up everything and yet I have held on - patiently waiting for times that will make all this pain worth surviving. So yes, I think patience is my biggest gift and I am thankful for it.

Good Day!!

Just how do I let go and move on

Sometimes I feel, I am living this wretched life carrying so much pain, hopelessness, anger and resentment in me. I am fighting myself constantly. I know, I am steeped in a lot of negative emotions, none that will help me. I am desperate to let them go, and let my soul heal, yet every cell in me refuses to free itself of them, it just pulls them back and holds it, like it is the only way of survival. Somewhere in this fight, I am tired. Tired of trying, tired of feeling, tired of bleeding, tired of the shackles that hold me. I want to let go, I want to break free and I have tried many ways to do it and yet I feel I am no better than I was before. Being in an abusive relationship gave me enough pain, now my pain and hatred are giving me pain. It is such a vicious circle, why cant life be simple. Why cant the painful part of my life just fade away from memory, become inconsequential? Why does it jail me the same way that my abusive marriage did. Is it because, I am not yet fully free from my marriage that this fear and pain still haunt me? I want answers, I want results and I am impatient but nothing helps. Does pain ever heal? Can I ever feel whole and normal again? Will I ever have a happy life again, or will the baggage I currently carry always weigh over my happiness? Will I ever be able to forgive those who hurt me? I have tried hard enough for long, but with little result, will I succeed in forgiving them?
Life seems like a quest of answers for a list of endless questions.

What makes abusive people abusive?

There is this question that haunts me all the time... What is it that makes abusers abusive? It is not a defect that they are born with, then how do one section of normal people turn into these dominating, controlling beasts sucking the life out of people who are dear and close to them. Do circumstances play a part or is it just the social environ? At what point do they actually turn abusive?
The biggest question amongst these that haunt me is - Is there no cure for abuse? The most possible reason for a person turning turning abusive is because of growing up with it in the family. Does this mean that if someone in the family turns abusive, then the generations to come will all turn abusive? Is there no end to this vicious circle? They say love heals, but these are people who cannot feel love, so are they in one sense really wretched and doomed? Most of them do not even realize that they are abusive, so the question of working on it or seeking help is ruled out.
It is said that one can only give what one has, does that mean that these people who inflict pain, are in immense pain themselves? I do not seem to agree to with this theory, cos most abusive people seem to live in false sense of bliss, a bliss they truly feel. And most survivors of abuse, although in extreme pain, do not spread it. My husband abused me, I have been working on healing myself for a long long time now but the pain still bites. It scares me when I think, if all I have to offer is the pain in my heart. I have seen survivors who spread happiness and joy to those around them although they themselves are in extreme pain, like a lamp spreading light although its engulfed in darkness. A tree gives shade to all who come, although it has to brave the harshest of sun. There is no shade for it but it continues to provide it relentlessly. I think it has all got to do with purpose - the tree and the light have no purpose of causing harm, but abusers somewhere have this purpose of controlling even at the cost of harming others. Everybody deserves a second chance, even the worst of abusers but change is possible only when they are willing to work on it with the sole purpose of being good.

Loneliness

I have been feeling very lonely of late. My ill fated marriage seems to have robbed me of everything in life. My family, my confidence, my happiness and hope. I feel cursed. It might sound a little extreme for me to say this but I do feel very cursed that I was born an Indian girl. My court battles provide me little respite. I have no hope that I might recover my material belongings so any hope of rehabilitation of my lost life is impossible. I do not know why my family/society/courts cannot seem to understand that abuse does not get better with time, that I cannot "adjust" any longer, that this is not "some obstacle to be overcome", that this is not "challenge to be won" by the brave. Why should I try hard and harder to make the marriage work when all I wish in my heart is for freedom from this bondage. Am I a lesser woman just because my husband abused me and then abandoned me? Is it my fault that courts take years and years to pass judgement and when they do it is rarely in the favour of the truth but more in favor of evidence? Yes, I have very little evidence to prove that my husband killed me alive every single day but does that mean I did not die everyday? Does that reduce the amount of pain I have suffered and continue to suffer? Does that justify the fact that he was wrong? Why do I have to suffer in a court of justice when clearly everyone knows that I was wronged? Why cant my family just accept the bitter fact that this marriage is not for keeps and let me move on? Why do they think that their social acceptance is more important than the life of their daughter? Why cant they understand my perspective and me their's? How has it become possible that my abusive husband even now controls the relationship I have with my family? When he has already abandoned me and refuses to take me back, why does the society still expect that I will live my life praying that he will take me back. Why doesnt my family allow me to cut my losses and move on?
Loneliness engulfs me. I am nothing but a pawn in their games. I dont live but merely exist.

Poem of Abuse

Of use and abuse,
Of pain and hope,
My marriage is a story 
Of things gone awry.
Dreamy eyed yet practical,
Our match was quite a mismatch 
Tough i thought but impossible it turned.
Vows were broken, dreams were shattered
I cringed, I cried.
He vowed to protect me, cherish me, honor me,
Yet all he did was use me, abuse me and cripple me 
Like shards of glasses lying on the floor,
My hope was lying too. Curdled n sour. 
Little had I realized that my dearest dream, 
The most dreaded nightmare it had turned.
I was empty, I was hollow,
Yet only thing that sunk in was sorrow.
There were no hands to wipe my tears, 
There was no shoulder where my worries could rest,
A bolder person, a determined person was all that was left.
With courage I move on,
With conviction I move on,
I may have lost the battle,
But victory I shall regain.